All Of Me
by Girl in a White Dress
Summary: And she'd rather be haunted by him than have nothing at all. HarmMac. Songfic.


Title: All Of Me

Author: Melanie-Anne

Email: melani_anne@yahoo.com 

Rating: PG

Category: Harm/Mac romance. Character death. AU. Songfic.

Summary: "And she'd rather be haunted by him than have nothing at all."

Disclaimer: The characters belong to DPB. Lyrics of "My Immortal" belong to Evanescence. No infringement is intended & no profit is being made.

A/N: For Nicky.

~*~

__

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all of my childish fears

She's always felt that this is the quietest place in the world. The first time he brought her here, she'd been scared that she wouldn't belong. Scared that whatever had made her so unlovable as a child, would make her unlovable now. He'd laughed, kissed her, and told her there was nothing to worry about. Said that he loved her, and wasn't that enough?

__

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Because your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

He said that he'd never leave her, but that had been a lie. 

Washington was unbearable now, as was JAG. Everywhere she looked, she was reminded of their all-too-brief time together. She couldn't bear the sympathy, the pity, the . . . absence. The absence of everything.

__

"Everyone who's been involved with Mac is either dead or wishes they were." He'd been right. As usual. Maybe he should've have listened to himself and stayed away from her.

__

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

Would it have been better, she wonders, if he'd never come after her in Paraguay? Better if they'd never gotten involved? If she didn't know how much he cared? If she didn't care as much?

No, she knows nothing that did or didn't or should have happened between them could have prevented this. 

She still wishes she could go back and change everything. She would have said, "Don't go." Or, "Stay just a little bit longer."

Or, "I'll come with you." 

When he said, "I love you," she would have said, "I love you, too."

She wouldn't have smiled as she waved him away. She wouldn't have gone shopping with Chloe, or joked about who was calling when the phone rang.

__

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

She remembers waking up in the middle of the night to find him staring at her. "Just making sure you're real," he'd said. 

She remembers seeing his toothbrush next to hers for the first time. Him trying to teach her how to play the guitar, she more interested in the warmth of his body than the chords.

She remembers the silence as the five year deadline came and went. Remembers his words, "It doesn't matter. We have all the time in the world."

Another broken promise.

__

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

But now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

She wishes she could join him, but knows she can't. She is stronger than the depression. She has to be.

She wishes she'd told him her secret before he'd left that day. She knows the life growing inside her would have made him happy. Maybe if she'd told him, he'd have been more careful. Maybe he wouldn't have gone flying.

She went out last week and saw him everywhere. His voice is still on the answering machine. "Hi, you've reached the Rabbs . . ." She's too scared to erase it, scared he'll leave her completely.

And she'd rather be haunted by him than have nothing at all.

When she found herself at the Vietnam Memorial Wall, screaming at a dead man, blaming him for not watching out for his son, she decided she had to leave. Grams' farm was also filled with memories of Harm, but they were different memories. Memories she thinks she can handle.

She lies awake and looks up at the stars. One dances across the sky, leaving a trail behind it as it falls. She prays that her child is a girl, already fearing that a son will follow in his father's footsteps and die flying.

__

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

She doesn't remember much about the funeral. She's glad. They gave her a flag, she can recall that much. She'd wondered how the flag was supposed to compensate for her loss.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Rabb." She doesn't remember who said it. She used to love the title, but now it just serves as a reminder of the absence in her life.

She thinks she would gladly swap the baby for her husband, then feels guilty for it. It's not the baby's fault her heart is broken. It's no one's fault.

No, she thinks, it's God's fault. He could have prevented it, but He didn't. After everything they had been through, God had let him die.

She wants to cry, but there are no tears left. Just a dull ache in her chest, where her heart used to be.

__

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your tears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

She wakes up clutching her pillow to her chest. Grams brings up some breakfast but she has no appetite.

"Have a little bit," Grams says. "For the baby."

So she does, for the baby. Then she takes a walk around the farm. She'd been wrong, she does belong here. The solitude feels like home.

__

But you still have all of me

__

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

She knows exactly when she starts loving the baby. 

It begins to rain and she lifts her face to the sky, raising her hands as the water washes over her. Her fingers tingle and her teeth chatter but she feels awake for the first time since she lost him. 

It was raining when he'd proposed. He'd been so upset that his plans for a romantic picnic had been spoiled. She'd laughed and kissed him. He'd kissed her back. Neither had really minded the rain. He'd pushed her hair away from her face. She'd looked up, smiling, and he'd said, "Marry me."

She covers her belly with her hands and smiles, silently vowing to love this child forever.

And she knows she's not alone.

__

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me


End file.
